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· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says · Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers · Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted · Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case · Farmer Bill Dies in House · Iraqi Head Seeks Arms · Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus? · Stud Tires Out · Prostitutes Appeal to Pope · Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over · Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again · Eye Drops Off Shelf · Teacher Strikes Idle Kids · Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim · Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 · Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax · Miners Refuse to Work After Death · Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant · Stolen Painting Found By Tree · Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies · Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter · Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years · War Dims Hope For Peace · If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While · Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures · Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge · Deer Kill 17,000 · Typhoon Rips Through Cemetary; Hundreds Dead · Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge · Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas in Spacecraft · Kids Make Nutritious Snacks · Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire · Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half · New Vaccine May Contain Rabies · Air Head Fired · Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff · Old School Pillars Are Replaced by Alumni · Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors · Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training · Include Your Children When Baking Cookies · Bumper Stickers Spotted around the Country · The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. · My kid had sex with your honor student. · If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. · Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. · I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. · Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. · It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you! · Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Shakespearean Insults · Thou spleeny earth-vexing measle. · Thou currish fen-sucked flax-wench. · Thou bawdy folly-fallen maggot-pie. Ways People have Died · Claudius, Emperor of Rome, choked to death on a feather. · Pope Leo VIII died of a stroke while committing adultry. · Peter the Great had his wife executed for infidelity, but he still loved her enough to have her head preserved in a jar. · The Greek playwright Aeschylus was killed when an eagle dropped a tortoise on his head. · There are, on average, 16 murders a day in New York. In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion. In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service. Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs. In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation. Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years. In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time. In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right. In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin. On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life. Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man. In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run. From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: - English well talking. - Here speeching American. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?" Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea." Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for garbage.
Approximate Word count = 5450
Approximate Pages = 21.8
(250 words per page double spaced)
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